I have been a mother for a year. A full year of my life has been dedicated to one small, rambunctious beautiful little thing. I love my daughter. She is the light of my life. This year has been a huge transformation for my family and especially for me.
I've been putting off writing this post for a year now. For the first month after Madeline was born I really struggled. I don't really know why I wanted to share other than to let other moms know that whatever your post labor experience was, you are brave.
My pregnancy was pretty rough. I was sick pretty much from conception. I spent the entire first trimester afraid I wouldn't meet my daughter because of one irresponsible doctor. Once I got into the second trimester I spent my time imagining matching outfits and homemade meals. I was totally ready for mid morning snuggles and late night feedings. When Madeline was born the entire world stopped. I was completely elated. The moment your child is born is like nothing else. The world manages to shrink into a small squeaky bundle while simultaneously turning into a huge, undiscovered adventure.
A few days after that I noticed I was feeling anxious over the smallest things. I was recovering from an emergency c-section and I assumed my body was just at it's limit. Unfortunately this was not the case. Motherhood is one of the loneliest experiences I have ever had. For a week after I had her everyone around me was thrilled. I was expected to be this glowing new mom, filled with joy and expectations for the future. Post Partum Depression is real. It's also really painful. You feel completely isolated and scared because you aren't feeling the same way that other mommies are feeling. Some women have a harder time than others after having a baby. For me it hit 3 days after I gave birth, for some women it starts after you stop breast feeding or even a year later. Every woman is different. A year later I can look back and offer these words of advice.
1. Talk to someone. I was so desperate and so lonely that I actually reached out to a friend who I hadn't talked to in years. She had a baby about a year before me and I wanted to know if she struggled with her experience. I was so scared and so nervous. How do you ask someone if it's normal to cry when people ask you if you are ok? To stay up all night and make sure your baby is still breathing?
Here is how I started the conversation:
"Did you have a total melt down when you got home from the hospital? I totally lost it yesterday. I kept thinking that without the nurses to help me I wouldn't be able to do it. It passed after a couple hours... But holy cow. I was a mess."
"It was so scary. I felt like I had made a terrible mistake. After months of being excited about her, I felt totally unsure. I just kept saying I wanted to go back to the hospital. I was so scared. It's not as easy as I thought it would be to transition."
She was very up front with me about her experiences after labor. She told me
it was ok that I was seeking help and that there was nothing to be
ashamed of. . Looking back a year later I know that she saved my life. To this day I am forever thankful that she was so willing to help me. If you are ever scared, anxious and feeling alone, talk to someone. Anyone. If you are drowning, find someone who can throw you a rope.
2. Accept your fears instead of fighting them. This piece of advice came from my best friend. For a long time I was scared to go out with Madeline. I wasn't used to shopping with a baby, what if I turned my back and she got kidnapped? What if I walked away without her? WHAT IF BEARS ATTACKED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. What if. I was constantly trying to fight these fears. Once I started to listen to her I realized that when I accepted my fears I could look at them more objectively. Yes. Bears are terrifying. Yes, you never know when one might attack. No. It probably won't happen while you are shopping at Target.
3. Don't be ashamed to get treatment. If you are in real trouble don't be afraid to get help from a doctor. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You cannot take care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. It's kind of like when the flight attendants tell you to secure your oxygen mask first.
4. Earmuffs. People are jerks. Everyone is going to question the way that you choose to raise your baby. Whether you breast feed or bottle feed, use disposable or cloth diapers, eat organic or Cheetos.. everyone will judge. Your only job in this scenario is to avoid giving them the platform to voice their opinions. If you can't avoid it, use earmuffs. Pardon my language, but people can be dicks. Sometimes you come across people who think they have/can/will do better. The truth is that only you know what is best for your child.
5. Be careful of who you surround yourself with. If you are struggling with acclimating to your new life as a mom.. do yourself a favor. Take a step back from any moms who are quick to question the challenges of motherhood. I'm not saying that you should stop being friends with moms who aren't struggling. I'm saying that if it's beginning to make you doubt yourself, take a step back. I promise you, eventually all of the pieces fall into place and you will be that mom who takes it all in stride. Confide in your friends, if they can't relate or aren't making an effort, take a step back. I remember how hard it was for me to be around new moms who had no idea how hard it was to deal with PPD.
6. Accept yourself. This one should be pretty easy because you, my friend, are a f****ing badass. You made a human. YOU housed another person inside of your body for 9 months. Go eat some ice cream, or turn up some tunes and do something that makes you feel good. Take a moment to be selfish. Enjoy being you.
Today I am back to my wonderful, nature fearing self. I might, however, be a more tired version of my former self. Thanks to the help of my friends, loving husband and wonderfully supportive family. Family is everything.
